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Engage. Establishing 'mutual regard'
- Steph Turner
- Dec 26, 2023
- 7 min read
Updated: Mar 26, 2024
You possess an unspoken reputation for how responsive you are to needs. The more you respond to the needs at hand, the more others trust you to respect their needs and tell others how you can be trusted. Need-response turns this informal quality into a quantifiable “response reputation” score. You build this formal reputation by responding appropriately to our challenge to “Engage.”
Which would you expect to create better results?
Informally evaluate one another while expecting them to know what you specifically need.
OR
Formally assess one another’s responsiveness to needs after explicitly sharing those needs.
You disagree?
Engage.
You avoiding conflict?
Engage each side.
You opposing the other side?
Engage each other's needs.
CONTENTS
Let's shift direction. Instead of fanning the flames of conflict, let's resolve the underlying needs to restore peace. Let's keep each accountable by measuring our responsiveness to needs.
1. I'm judging you.
Each time I engage you in public or in private, I’m subtly judging you.
I am naturally
assessing
how responsive you are to my many vulnerable needs. I continually
evaluate
your trustworthiness. I’m
calculating
how safe to drop my guard.
I must.
The better you respond to my needs,
the more of my other needs I can trust to expose to you.
That supports my fragile wellness.
The lower your apparent trustworthiness,
the less I shall expose you to my other vulnerable needs.
I must, to maintain my wellness.
By prioritizing mutual resolution of needs in love, I judge responsibly. I now welcome you to judge me as responsibly.
2. You're judging me.
You’re also assessing how responsive I am to your vulnerable needs. Not that you’re judging me as
“bad”
or
“evil”
or
“bound to hell”.
But you’re honestly evaluating how much of your needs you can entrust to me. That's natural.
You see how responsive I’ve been so far and act accordingly. If I seem untrustworthy, you naturally
close up and keep yourself protected.
If you find me responsive enough, you can risk
exposing more of your needs to me.
I’m judging you as you’re judging me. Is anything wrong with that?
3. Do not judge, lest you be judged.
This biblical proscription speaks directly to our usual sloppy way of sizing each other up. If I dare denounce you as some uncaring jerk, you may naturally think of me the same.
Now let’s turn this into something positive.
I invite you to graciously point out my
blind spots.
As I set myself to graciously illuminate your
blind spots.
Let’s open ourselves to each other’s supportive critique. To our untapped potential for love.
Those going the other extreme of denying any judgment tend to be those who provoke each other’s defensiveness. They convince others it’s unsafe to drop their guard. They stay painfully alienated.
We can do better. We can add the discipline of respecting each other. We can nurture
4. Let's nurture our mutual regard.
“Mutual regard?” you may wonder, “What’s that?”
Social norms train us to quickly oppose others with whom we disagree. To fit into what’s expected of you, whenever confronted, you’re supposed to engage in mutual defensiveness.
On some level, this can be a good thing. If bullied to cave into pressure to accept what is clearly wrong, you must take a bold opposing stance.
Too often, however, we jump prematurely into opposition.
We slip into the abyss of avoidant adversarialism.
We oppose the objective reality of needs they cannot change.
We then suffer the pain which naturally results when rejecting reality.
We blame them for our own irresponsibility.
We seek relief by staying in conflict, which feeds the pain.
Such premature opposition practically guarantees
both sides
will fail to understand where the other is coming from.
The more you refuse to listen to the other side,
the more you remain ignorant of their underlying inflexible needs.
The less you understand or respect these needs,
the greater your risk for acting in damaging error.
But the more you listen to the other side,
the more you can understand their underlying inflexible needs.
The more you understand or respect their needs,
the easier for them to respect yours.
This is, in a nutshell, mutual regard.
You cannot change your inflexible needs, nor can they. Any attempt to change what cannot be changed automatically triggers
mutual defensiveness,
and mutual disregard.
Such behavior risks provoking anger, outrage, and hate.
Mutual regard melts such anger, then leaves more room for nurturing opportunities for love. For honoring the needs of others as you would have them honor your own. If only you stay open amidst conflicts, to better understand the inflexible needs of
both sides.
No, this is not
or
or
as these only can apply to a chosen response to needs and never to the unchosen needs themselves. Such critique too easily rationalizes staying closed off to others.
The more you
stay open and learning
amidst conflict (in your orientation to conflict),
the more you build a reputation
that you can be responsive
to any awkwardly expressed needs.
Or do you prefer having a reputation
for being easily provoked and defensive?
5. We each possess a responsive reputation.
No one tells you exactly how much they trust you. Or don’t trust you. You kinda have to figure that out on your own.
Read their body language.
Hear something from others.
Observe their behavior.
Not anymore. We’re now going to say this quiet part out loud.
It’s best shared as a “praise sandwich” that
first affirms. GOOD NEWS.
Then identifies room for improvement. BAD NEWS.
Then closes with some mutual regard. GOOD NEWS.
For example,
Or for example,
Both examples demonstrate a responsiveness to the needs on all sides. Consistently relating to the inflexible needs on all sides builds a very valuable reputation.
We call it a “responsive reputation”.
How responsive am I to your needs?
How responsive are your friends and family to your needs?
How responsive are you to theirs?
6. Judgment day is now upon us.
You will now be evaluated for how responsive you are to those needs you affect.
The more you put the needs of others ahead of your own,
even if only temporarily,
the more highly you will be esteemed.
You will now receive constructive feedback to the effectiveness of your neighborly social love.
This may not be the Judgment Day prophesied in scripture, but this is a day of reckoning. Not for punishment, but to restore out lost connections. To nurture more social love.
There is no greater human authority than resolving needs with love. Powerholders will now be held accountable, perhaps like never before. Underserved needs will now have more recourse than a cold system of impersonal laws and their enforcement regimes.
Need-response not only evaluates how well you respond to the needs of others but also by how well you express your needs so others know what you truly need of them. This goes both ways. Others can be evaluated for how well they articulate their affected needs to you.
If you meet someone who cannot meet the minimal standard of mutual regard, of honoring your needs the way you’re ready to honor theirs, then it’s time to call out such B.S. It’s time to shine a light on their “below standard” disrespect.
RESPONSE ARRAY. Need-response calculates a range of graduated responsiveness. From causing harm to enabling resolution of identified needs.
Offensive unresponsiveness. Causing another harm; provoking more needs than helping to resolve needs.
Substandard responsiveness. Acknowledging there could be needs they impact but only offering to pacify the pain of those underserved needs.
Standard responsive. Demonstrating mutual regard that relates to the impacted needs of others as worthy of the same respect as their own needs.
Competitive responsiveness. Addressing needs more effectively than others to boost one’s brand as professionally more responsive to their constituents.
Transformative responsiveness. Addressing needs limited by current social structures, with inspiring ways to transcend such limits to fully resolve all needs.
Dig a little deeper, and you may find an empirical basis for these graduated levels. Or learn firsthand amidst a conflict.
7. Engage.
If you find yourself in a conflict with me and challenge me, I may say to you, “Engage.”
Once I say it, no room shall be given to petty arguing or guarded reasoning or mutual defensiveness. We’re now beyond whether you or I agree or disagree with any position statement.
As soon as that word slips from my tongue, I’ve raised the bar. We’re both now being judged by how well we address the affected needs in that conflict.
I can’t speak for you, but I’ll be keeping score. Which of the five above will you fit best? Which of those would I fit best in your eyes?
Keep me accountable. Have me engage your affected needs, as I engage yours.
Let’s nullify any premature opposition by making it safer for the both of us to drop our guards.
Let’s honestly get to the unmet needs driving the conflict.
No more politically privileged selfishness.
No more immature spats.
No more rationalized “rational” choices.
Only a mutually agreed path to resolve needs, on all sides.
Not only does this apply between those of relatively equal social station, but empowers those of considerably less social influence to speak truth to power.
The more you assess the responsiveness of your friends,
the more courage you can find to assess the responsiveness of your likely foes.
We must “engage”
to replace failed norms and institutions pulling us all down a path of mutual destruction.
We must “engage”
to stop the bleeding, to stop the violence, and to stop the fever to go to war.
We must “engage”
to resolve needs, to remove pain, and to reach our full potential. So I say…
Engage.
Identify the affected needs
on all sides in a conflict.
Reach standard responsiveness.
Or lose before you start!
Engage.
Your responsiveness to engaging opponents
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