mutuality process

Institutions pit us against each other, but there is a far more effective alternative that can tap into our love.

The "mutuality process" serves as a more need-responsive alternative to presumed opposition. Legal institutions of the judiciary and politics both rely on adversarialism.

Adversarialism can be defined as

Opposing others largely for the sake of opposition.

What's wrong with adversarialism?

Adversarialism isn't about constructive criticism. Rather, it goes to extremes to oppose others as if others have nothing of value to offer.

Instead of tapping into our human potential to solve problems by relating to each other's inflexible needs or inflexible priorities, adversarialism pits you against others in a conflict. It tends to exacerbate each other's conflict orientation, away from staying open to learning amids a conflict and toward remaining hostly guarded.

In his book Rambo and the Dalai Lama, The Compulsion to Win and Its Threat to Human Survival, author Gordon Fellman exposes many shortcomings in such adversarialism. Here are two of my own that complements his words. There are many more.

1. Prematurely provokes defensiveness, often resulting in mutual defensiveness that detracts from each side's potential to fully resolve the conflict. Blind spots get ignored with motivated reasoning. Responsibility gets projected onto others. Little to no effort gets invested in addrsesing each other's affected needs.

   
   

2. Prioritizes relieving pain over removing cause for pain, which is unresolved needs. The winner in a court battle or at the ballot box typically receive relief from the pain of their unresolved needs. Since the adversarialist approach does not actively seek to resolve the winner's affected needs, the pain persists to warn of this threat to functioning.

The mutuality process in a nutshell

The mutuality process utilizes the professional communication format of sandwiching a piece of bad news between two slices of good new. This effectively delivers positive intent, to avoid provoking defensiveness.

Another way of characterizing this approach is conveying a Positive, then a Negative, and finishing on a Positive note: PNP.

More precisely, the mutuality process employs a simple A-B-C process.

A. Affirm the other side's needs

Affirm the other side's presenting or identified needs. POSITIVE; GOOD NEWS

Adversarialism tends to selfishly assert one's own needs while ignoring the needs of the other side in a conflict. The mutuality approach begins by honoring the needs of others as one's own, as an expression of social love.

B. Broach your own affected needs

Broach how the other side(s) in a conflict impact your needs. NEGATIVE; BAD NEWS

Adversarialism tends to focus on desired behavior without addressing specific needs.

Once trust is grounded in positive regard for the other's needs, the mutuality process invites positive regard for one's own affected needs.

C. Continue building rapport

Continue building rapport to establish intent to resolve needs and conflicts. POSITIVE; GOOD NEWS

Adversarialism tends to alienate all sides from each other, and away from one's full potential with the onset of pragmatism creep The mutuality process incentivizes each side in conflict to remain engaged.

Let's replace adversarialism with this mutuality process

Instead of adversarialism's norm of provoking each other's defensiveness, or reinforcing each side's blind spots and undercutting each other's full human potential, this mutuality approach incentivizes each other's empathy, humility, integrity, forgiveness, and other noble qualities.

Adversarialism risks, and often does, drag us down into lower levels of functioning. The mutuality process potentially builds up each other's wellness levels.

While the adversarial approach offers relief from pain for the winning side, it tends to perpetuate pain by not fully addressing the winner's affected needs. This mutuality alternative gets to the bottom of each other's pain: each other's unresolved needs.

Adversarialism fuels what can be called "pragmatic creep" where we drift from our full human potential into normalizing tolerable pathologies. Let this mutuality process get us back to our untapped potential to love each more.

Examples

Late payment notice

Think of the message you get if falling behind on a utility bill.

A. We value you as a loyal customer, and look forward to serving your needs into the future.

B. According to our records, you are now 30 says behind on your monthly payment, which could disrupt your service.

C. We trust you will attend promptly to this matter, and convey our gratitude if you have already sent your past due payment. Thank you.

How I applied this mutuality approach

Here's another example. One from my own life.

A. I support the state's need to collect any overdue tuition bill unpaid from a delinquent student.

B. The amount you claim I owe stems from the school's lawyer delaying approval of my internship placement, and not from my delinquency.

C. I invite you to mutually solve this problem by honoring my due process rights. Thank you.

Now you try it

You can apply this mutuality process in a cover letter with your résumé, to address where you may not meet their preferred level of experience.

A. I respect your wariness for hiring someone lacking the years of preferred experience.

B. For the last three years, I have conducted thorough research into the best practices for this role. And believe I can offer vicarious experience on par with those already in this role.

C. I look forward to demonstrating in an interview how I am the ideal match for this amazing role. Thank you.

Need-response process

The new professional service of need-response explores some innovative ways to instill this pioneering process.

Notice of Responsive Intent (NOI)

We start by informing authorities that we are introducing a fresh alternative to failing adversarialism.

Memorandum of Responsive Understanding (MOU)

Once mutual rapport beings, we negotiate the terms for identifying and addressing each other's needs.

Need-Response Action (NRA)

Need-response then lays out the steps we take to try to resolve our own needs while supporting the affected needs of others.

Declaration of Liberty (DOL)

If resistance emerges, we assert our dedication to prioritize the mutual resolution of needs. And declare ourselves ready to unilaterally address our needs wherever lacking cooperation.

Work in progress

This could take some time to develop. We welcome your input. Comment below what you would like to see in such a mutuality process. And where and how you would like to apply it in your life.